The worst thing about being yourself is that not everything about you is pleasant or likeable even tolerable and sometimes when people catch wind of those unpleasant, unlikeable, and untolerable parts it feels like they want nothing to do with you anymore.
They seem to forget the parts of you that are actually quite nice.

That is the danger of letting anyone past the everyday facade we show strangers and acquaintances. Because at one point, your bad, weird, petty, shallow, bratty part comes out and it is painful to anticipate how they'd react. and sometimes even more painful to see how they actually would.

but if you're lucky- and i really hope we'd all get to be so lucky- they would be slightly miffed but take you into their arms anyway. The entire you. Unpleasantness, shallowness, hatefulness and all.

I have always been an advocate of leap before you look. I find that staring at a gaping hole instead of just overcoming it is totally unnecessary. Why give yourself time to be scared, to be anxious and to overthink when most of the time your gut already knows there is no reason to be any of these 3.

Most of what we regret are things we did not do. True. But observe that the statement has the word "most" and not the word "always." Sometimes, I realize things we do, especially ones we do on impulse, do open ourselves to regret. Rash decisions can result in brash consequences. Maybe not immediately but definitely they will rear their heads later on.

That said, I probably still leap without really looking. But maybe not as much as I used to. Maybe I need to overthink once in awhile. For all I know, my gut has become to cocky to be correct.

I have always liked driving. I like the control the wheel affords you. I like the privacy provided by the steel doors in a street filled to the thousands. I like the small triumph of making the speedometer reach numbers it has never reached before.

That being said, driving in Metro Manila is still a bitch. An ugly spoiled-rotten, PMS-ing bitch. With every zigzag of a reckless motorcycle, with every sudden stop of a mindless jeepney, with every careless cut and overtake of a bus or a taxi my temper rises and flares.
It is as if my emotions have formed bonds with my gas pedal and horn. My feet and palms are powerless against the wills of my heart. And commonly my heart is screaming RAM THOSE MOTHERFU*CKERS TO THE WALL!

It comes as a surprise then the horrors of city-driving have not really registered recently. It has been quite some time since I raced after a stupid driver or shouted unheard obscenities at the lunatic on the motorcycle. A taxi driver who recently rear-ended me even described me to his impatient passenger as "Mabait naman si mam eh." And 80% I find that I'm actually wearing a seat belt - something I used to abhor.

Sometimes, I find myself humming at the stoplight. Sometimes, I find myself still smiling as some oaf in an SUV cuts my car. Sometimes, I just stop caring that I am stuck in the parking lot called EDSA. Sometimes, I feel like a crazy woman giggling in the middle of smog.

I have always liked driving. But since you came into my life, I've begun to love it.
If traffic incidents decrease this year, the MMDA and the general population has you to thank.

I can't wait to get back behind the wheel and drive away with you.

VROOM!

Today feels so cold
that the marrows of my bones
are beginning to feel
like taut harp strings
over-used
over-used
over-used
by an amateur musician

And I have piled myself
under layers of cloth
thanked my layers of fat
crossed my limbs into layers
as I bask in the heat breathed by my geriatric CPU

But the only warmth I ever get to feel
is when my brain obliges me
with a thought of you.

Perhaps it's time to drink another paracetamol.

Was a bunch of gumamelas crushed beneath heavy stones then mixed with Tide and water.
It was, and still is, the perfect recipe for the biggest of bubbles. Preferably blown through a fastfood straw fashioned into a circle.

It's not that the pain was forgotten because no one can forget that kind of pain.
It's not as if the heart is fully mended because that takes more time that any of us would care to admit.

It is because I believe in giving happiness a shot.
Because I am honest enough to myself to admit that no form of revenge will ever make letting the chance pass by worth it.

It is because I believe in taking chances now than regretting not grabbing this opportunity by the balls.
Because I am honest enough to myself to admit that I do see this as an opportunity.

It is because I believe in letting myself fall back in.
Because I am honest enough to myself to admit I've never stopped hoping.

And lastly it is because I believe, it'll be worth it.

Pag nagkataon swerte ka. Dahil mabilis ako patawanin at mabilis din magpatawad. Dahil hindi ako selosa at peksman wala kang pageseselosan. Magaling ako magluto - makalat pero magaling. At kung anuman ang paboritong mong ulam pagsisikapan kong aralin. Madaldal ako pero kaya kong makinig. Minsan nga naniniwala ako na ang pinkamasasayang date e yung tahimik. Meron akong trabaho, hindi ako palamunin. Mahilig akong lumamon. Masasarap lang ang matitikman mo sa aking piling. Pati halik. Lalo na ang halik. Masarap at madami. Hinding-hindi ka mauubusan. At makakasigurado kang sayong-sayo lang. Pag nagkataon at ako'y nahanap mo, swerte ka. Kaya dali-dalian mo ng sana.

from http://www.stickgal.blogspot.com/

You told me this. Then it probably became easier, because you left...

Lately, I've been stuck in a bog of my own digging.
I sometimes struggle against it but mostly my writhing has been for show.
A big part of me was too tired and fed up to put up a fight.
Besides, there was some peace in just sinking.
Letting mud lap you up bit by bit, feeling sand and stone enter your shoes and snuggle in between your toes, watching the world go higher and higher as you go lower and lower. Sinking is infinitely easier.
I told myself I'd begin planning my ascent when I'm in too deep. I'll pull out just before I'm completely under. I thought I'd know when that was and when the moment came I simply had to hold on to a branch and start climbing.

Last night, I realized I waited a moment too many. I was in much deeper than I thought. And as I grapple to pull myself up, I discover I still don't have the strength or much of the desire. I don't really care if it's too late but , rest assured (if you were restless to begin with) , I'm still trying.

I'm holding on for dear life if only because it's what's right.